Purpose

This week I turned 30. My youngest is now 2, my eldest 10. I guess arbritrary numbers measuring age have more meaning to me than I thought, because I’ve been thinking a lot about life.

I’ve been on the contraceptive implant since my youngest was born, but recently I’ve had some hormonal symptoms, like early pregnancy. I don’t think I am pregnant, two years of having the contraception and it hasn’t failed yet – I think it’s more of a psychological thing. I think it’s just my body’s way of making me realise I actually want another baby.

Yay exciting! But no. Wanting a baby is only fun and happy if both partners actually want one.

As well as that, I’ve done a lot of soul searching this year. We moved house, to a much more rural feeling village from a big town. Then I started to realise my eldest was showing traits of ASD, and when checking lists and quizzes online I noticed it in myself too. We’ve spent some time coming to terms with neurodivergence and what that means for us and how our family can all learn to work together and accommodate each other. This ASD hypothesis has been supported by his school teacher and SENCO who has begun the referral process.

We’ve made progress on our family dynamics, learning how to interact better. But it’s still been a pretty big deal. In March, I finished my annual rewatching of all the series of Bones, just after these realisations, and somehow only just then came to the conclusion that the main character was based on someone like us. The character I most loved, most idolised and related to. Things made a bit more sense.

But the realisation also made me reevaluate my life plans and how I thought about the world.

When I was younger I never knew what career I wanted. I’d had loads of ideas but nothing ever stuck. All I ever knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mum. I left university and had a baby at 19, got pregnant again, became a single mum and then gave birth to my second baby at age 20. I was a single mother to two children and I’d never even had a job. Ever since I’ve been an adult I’ve been a mum. As soon as I knew he was growing inside my body, I loved him, I grew up, I changed my world for him. I wish I’d given them both a better start to life but being a mum is absolutely the best thing I’ve done, the most right thing. My purpose.

I wanted to provide for my babies, not rely on benefits. I trained for bookkeeping and accounts and I got my first job when I was 25.

Eventually, I found another man, one I could trust to help me raise my family the right way. I wanted to do it again, giving him the opportunity to experience the baby stage. He joined us when the boys were 4 and 5. So in 2019 along came the youngest in our family. It was an entirely different experience, not doing it all alone. I was actually surprised by having support during pregnancy, despite losing my second job during early pregnancy and suffering anxiety. The same was true of the newborn phase too – the loneliness of being a new parent is always tough but the difference it makes to just have another adult to talk to and interact with is immense.

The baby stage is over. He’s 2 now. And I find myself lost again. I’m still needed by him all the time. But he isn’t a baby anymore. And when he turns 3 and is entitled to government funded nursery time, I’m expected to be back at work. Except, I’m never doing accounts again. I hated it. It was too stressful and no fun. I ended up in accounts because I wanted a job where I could earn more than minimum wage and work part time, preferably school hours. That fit the bill. However, with a two-parent family, with my partner who works full time with a good salary in a company that cares about its employees, my career choice didn’t need to fit the same criteria.

I actually ended up taking sick leave from my second job at 9 weeks pregnant because at the thought of going back to work the next day (for my part time mornings only job) I had a huge panic attack the night before. And after my week off, I went in to explain to my boss that I was pregnant, and before I got a chance I got fired, because I’d been making mistakes. So it turns out I wasn’t any good at accounts anyway. Side note: I left my first job when I’d found the second, and somehow the first job fired me seemingly because I had handed in my notice (???) with no legitimate reason.

So being fired for the ‘second time’ really took a toll on me and I had a bad mental health patch for a while during that pregnancy. I still feel like accounts and those jobs were kind of traumatic to me, and certain things to do with accounts trigger my anxiety/panic attacks, so I think I’m definitely giving accountancy a miss from now on.

During my pregnancy, and ‘maternity leave’ in 2019, I decided to start Natural Causes Art, being all idealistic like creative artistic people do, thinking by the time my ‘maternity leave’ would be due to end, I’d be making money and wouldn’t need a job.

Unfortunately, selling on Etsy and writing a blog, is not actually super easy to make regular stable income to replace the benefits top up to our household income. 2 years later and I’m still not regularly breaking even. I love my art, I fully believe in my products and I’d buy them for myself. But I’m feeling the pressure to contribute financially again.

I don’t know where it leaves me. At a dead end. Or more like a roundabout with infinite exits, though none of them seem to point to the intended destination.

I have some ideas for full time careers, but they all require me to drive, which I can’t yet. To learn to drive we need to get an additional £120 ish a month, because we’re currently living on the income we get and we do not have a way to make that extra £120 every month for a year or whatever. I could get a part time job, and earn enough to cover that (plus the amount that would be deducted by the benefits system), except we live in a little village with zero jobs, and the nearest town is 5 mins in the car but 30 on the bus, 5 mins on the train but 20min walk to the train station and who knows on the other end. I don’t think it’s even financially feasible to be paying an extra hours childcare on each side of working hours, even ignoring the hassle of it. Especially as there is no funding for childcare until age 3. I’ve been looking for remote working from home part time jobs but they’re in demand and I don’t have the skills to evidence. Its difficult to see a way out of that.

So with all that, and the self realisation … I just feel stuck. My purpose has always felt like being a mum. I’m a mum to three already. That won’t change. But with them all getting older, the circumstances change. I don’t know how to work full time, since my ND self realisation, I’ve felt like I’d really struggle at many jobs, the only thing I feel confident at, and enjoy and want to do… is be a mum.

I want to do it again. I want to feel a human being growing inside my very own body. I want to anticipate his arrival, prepare, name him, I want the exhilaration of birth – what an achievement it feels every time. It’s so magical. Nothing compares to parenthood, bringing new life into the world. I can do birth, I love it. Newborns are hard work, of course, even the ‘easy’ ones. Everyone knows that. More so if you’ve had at least one yourself. But they’re also the most absolutely perfect, precious thing in the world.

I don’t claim to be the best mum. I make mistakes and I know my faults, but I work on them, and if there’s one thing I’m not short of it’s love. I just don’t know what I do next if it isn’t to have another baby…